Common Mistake Parents Make

1 Common Mistake Many Parents Make

Do you ever find yourself with a child having some big emotions, and you are stuck in frequent power struggles, trying to reason or convince them to either do something or stop it? And rather than getting the desired results you want to see, you find things to be escalating instead. In that case, you may be making a fundamental mistake many parents make and don't even know. This can happen whether your kids are toddlers, elementary aged, teenagers, or even young adults. Understanding this and what to do about it can positively transform your parenting experience.

The fundamental mistake many parents make is they try to reason, teach, have conversations, and get their point across with their kids IN the heat of the moment. When their child is activated, stressed, actively upset, angry, or acting out, also known as the Red Zone. There's also a stress response that can look like shutdown, withdrawing, or not talking, aka the Blue Zone. In either state, the upper thinking brain has turned off and is no longer thinking logically or clearly because the lower brain has taken over. And because of this normal response, the brain has to stress; it can be difficult, if not impossible, to reason with your kids at this moment, as they may not be able to process the information effectively. And when we try to coerce, talk to, teach, guide, or have conversations at that moment, it just doesn't work. They can't hear you or process what you are saying. The extra noise from your talking may be making it worse!

What to do?

Firstly, understand we all have stress responses. However, they can look different for everyone and in different situations. While this response the brain has to keep us safe can be beneficial in some cases, especially when there IS danger, it can also be problematic, especially when parents are trying to navigate challenging moments with their children whose brains are actively responding to what it perceives as danger. So come to understand your children's stress responses and what they are, so you can help yourself and your kiddo move forward more peacefully and in a connected way.

Secondly, pay attention to what helps your child move out of the red or blue zone and back into what's called the "Green Zone." This zone is also known as the window of tolerance. In this space, our brains can think, help us converse, and solve problems. It's in this space where you teach and guide your child. The most effective way to help your child feel better and move into a more cohesive calm state is connection, validation, and understanding. Once you've "connected" with them, and their thinking brain is back on, correcting, aka teaching, can then be done.

Connecting with your kids before correcting them is not about letting your kiddos "get away with" said undesirable behavior. You can allow for big emotions and hold space for them while not being ok with behavior. The key here is that for your child to learn, they need to be able to hear and understand you. And they can only do this once they are back in a calm state. 

Lastly, you need to understand your own stress responses. It can be hard to stay in your own "green zone" when your kiddos are acting out, angry, pushing back, or having big emotions. Learning how to remain calm in these moments is skill parents must know how to do to help their kiddos in those challenging moments effectively. Because if two of you are hanging out in the red zone, no one hears anyone, and nothing helpful or valuable is happening. It's just a big red zone party you want to avoid going to if you can.

So, next time you find yourself in a power struggle or navigating your kid's big emotions, and you find yourself trying to talk, teach, or guide your kiddo at that moment, stop for a moment and ask yourself, 

"What zone are they in right now?" 

"What zone am I in right now?"

"How can I connect with them to help them move back into the green zone before we talk or discuss what I'd like them to learn?"

If you can begin to ask these questions, take the time to create calm first through connection and then correct through conversation; rather than trying to teach when your kids are in this state of activation, it can be a game changer in how you experience both your kids and your parenting.

Use the QR code to download a free PDF for 7 Ways to Mindfully Respond to your kiddos, especially during challenging moments. 

You’ve got this!

xx

💗

Claire

Claire is a stepmom/mom of 4 young adult children, a PCI Certified® Parent Coach, and a Positive Parenting Educator. Have a parenting question you'd like answered?

Email Claire at [email protected]

Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes. It is not a substitution for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals.