Helping Kiddos Make New Friends

Helping Kiddos Make New Friends

Hi Mama!

Making friends can be a big concern.  Even for us adults?  Right?  At least for me, anyway! Ha! 

A few things that come to mind to help you help your girls:

1) Check in with your own anxiety or worry.  It's totally normal and understandable for us parents to worry about our kids and them making friends.  

Will they make friends? Will the kids be nice to them?  Are they going to feel alone or lonely at school?  Who will they sit with?  Who will they play with?  

These are just some thoughts I remember having when my kids started a new school or even a new grade.  Let alone moving to a new city, neighborhood, and home!  It's a big transition that can be eased into over time with patience, gentleness, and guidance.  Our kids pick up on our worries/anxieties, even inadvertently, so checking our anxieties, acknowledging them, and dealing with them on our own is essential, not unintentionally, to pass them along to the kids.

2) With that being said, I'm curious about the word "scary"  Is that their description or yours?  If it's yours, see #1.  If it's theirs, I would ask them what feels scary.   What do they think is scary?  What are they worried will happen?  And then hear what they say.  Listen to their words.  You can then use what they say to move forward using these steps:

       ~Validate how they feel.  Acknowledge the emotion. Oftentimes parents, with very good intentions, will say It'll be fine, It's ok, or something along those lines. While it will be OK and ok, at that time, when they are expressing an emotion they are having, these statements can feel dismissive.  Acknowledge the emotion so they feel heard and understood.

       ~ Role-play some scenarios.  Some ideas can be:  

                  Play worst-case / best-case scenarios on their worries to empower them. I'd ask (actually, I still do this), What's the worst thing that could happen (usually, their worst may not even be close to what our worst would be, which is why I ask THEM)  And from there, start role-playing by asking questions:  How likely do you think that is to happen?  What could you do if that were to happen? Ask what’s the best thing that could happen. And allow them to envision what that could look like as well.

                  How to start a conversation. What's the best way to do so? Asking questions!  What kinds of questions does she think she could ask?  Come up with some question starters ahead of time. 

                   How to introduce yourself.  This is a hard one, even for adults!  Discuss who they can look for.  Who to go to?  How about the one walking to lunch/recess/PE alone?  Or the one who is coloring on their own?  Using this scenario, what conversation starters can you come up with?  And practice them.

                   You can even role-play how to excuse yourself if the conversation or the other child's response isn't working out well.  First, by letting them know it isn't personal. That child may be having a bad day or concentrating on what they are doing, etc., and it's ok.  Having them look at it from that perspective is a great way to talk and teach about mindset and empathy.  Some ways to excuse yourself from a situation that's now working to allow them to move on:  I'm going to get a drink of water, I see a swing open, or there's a book I'd like to look at, and then she can do that.  It gives them an out.   Role-playing ways to get out of a situation can be super empowering.

3) Another thought that really stands out to me is asking her what kind of friend she wants to be.  What kind of friend is she already? What does she look for in a good friend?  What do her current friends love about her?  What is uniquely her?  What's her being a friend superpower? Ownership of who she is, like friendly, trustworthy, loving, etc.. can really build her confidence.   

To leave you with some extra tips to help foster friendships?

~Perhaps setting up a playdate soon after school starts with someone she meets at a park or your home?

~ Can she meet any kids in your neighborhood or nearby park?

~Encourage the team spirit of "We're all in this together!" And you are!  All of you. You are all experiencing this move together, meeting new people, and being in a new home, neighborhood, and city.  "In it together!" can bring a positive feeling of not being alone.

xx

Claire

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