How do I Help My Kids in Uncertain Times

Creating a Felt Sense of Safety in Your Kids

There are times, or even whole seasons, when the world just doesn’t feel safe.

Sometimes, that feeling of danger or uncertainty affects our loved ones directly. Other times, it’s just seeing things that aren’t right happening in our community, our country, or somewhere else in the world.

Please know, there is no shame in feeling this way.

Even if we are physically safe at home, in our neighborhoods, schools, or community, our nervous systems and our felt sense of safety in our bodies may not register it that way. Which is stressful.

But life goes on. We still have to work, parent, and be there for our children.

That can feel really hard.

Safety Means More than Physical Safety

When we think about safety, we usually focus on things like food, shelter, clothing, protection, and education. We also think about daily routines, like brushing teeth, wearing jackets, and packing lunches. All of these things are important.

But there’s another side to safety that matters just as much, especially during uncertain times: emotional and relational safety.

A child can have all their physical needs met and still not feel safe.

For example, a child might have all their basic needs met and seem safe and well from the outside.

But if that same child hears a lot of yelling at home, faces more conflict, or feels scared by what they see or hear, their body goes into survival mode. They don’t feel truly safe.

They might act out or show bigger emotions. This isn’t bad behavior; it’s just their nervous system reacting to what feels like a threat.

When a child doesn’t have a sense of safety, their body can’t relax. And when they can’t relax, it’s much harder for them to connect, learn, or manage their feelings.

Our goal, especially during tough times, isn’t just to keep our children physically safe; it’s to help them feel safe, too.

What IS Felt Safety?

Think of it this way: felt safety is simply the opposite of feeling threatened.

It’s important to remember that a sense of safety doesn’t come from pretending things aren’t hard, especially when they are. Ignoring what a child already senses can just add confusion.

A child’s sense of safety grows from having the experience of:

•  “I am not alone.”
• “My parent/caregiver sees and understands me.”
•  “I can rely on my parent(s)/caregiver to take care of me.”
•  “Even when things are hard, I know you are here.”

Safety can come through your tone of voice, softening your facial expressions, and your presence. It’s not just about being physically close, but about being tuned in to your child and managing your own emotions. Being consistent with these matters, more than always saying the perfect thing.

But here’s what this doesn’t mean:

This doesn’t mean you have to be calm all the time.

It doesn’t mean you can’t feel worried or unsure.

It means your child can feel your support and trust that you are there, even when you’re not always right there.

What can you do?

1. Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional State.

Your Regulation Matters More Than You Think

One of the hardest things about parenting during uncertain times is that you might not feel safe either.

You might feel anxious, exhausted, or overwhelmed, and then feel guilty for needing care when things are unsettled. But taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. It’s a key part of parenting and shouldn’t be ignored.

Self-care includes getting enough sleep, eating well, engaging in physical activity, spending time outdoors, and taking moments to ground yourself. These are not selfish luxuries; rather, they enable you to be present for your children, especially during challenging times.

If you’re having trouble managing your emotions on your own, now is the time to reach out for support. Not to push yourself harder.

This can look like:

• Reaching out to loved ones/friends/family/neighbors
• Asking and being willing to receive help
• Are there any local communities where you can be part of with other parents whose kids are the same age?
•  Seek help from a therapist or parent coach.

You don’t have to do this alone, and you shouldn’t.

2. Lower Expectations.

When things feel uncertain or unsafe, it might not be realistic or fair to keep the same expectations you usually have.

This might look like:

• Letting go of homework battles for now.
• Choosing connection over productivity.
•  Letting go of the full meal and having breakfast for dinner instead.
•  Saying yes to more rest, more togetherness, more downtime.

When a child is upset or out of sorts, creating a sense of safety is key to helping them settle back down.

This looks like:

• Calm yourself first
• Connection with your child.
• Calm for your child.
• Everything else later.

3. Play and Pleasure Are Protective

It may feel strange to play, laugh, or enjoy moments of pleasure when things feel heavy.

But play is not denial.

Pleasure is not avoidance.

Playing, laughing, being creative, and having fun together help relieve stress. They remind our bodies that safety is still possible.

This can be simple:

• A walk together
•  A game
•  Music and dancing
•  Cooking together
• Watching something light or funny (like dog videos, my favorite!)
• Crafts/making something with your hands

These small, fun moments matter more than we might think.

4. Having Age-Appropriate Communication and Conversations

When kids feel unsafe, their minds and bodies are wired to tell them to seek out a trusted caregiver.

So what should you do when they seek you for support or answers? What do you say, especially if something unsafe is happening outside the home and your child might hear about it?

First, you don’t have to tell them everything.

But you also don’t need to pretend everything is fine.

Here’s what this can look like.

Start with finding out what they DO know. You can say:

• What have you heard?
•  Where are you hearing this?
•  How does this make you feel?

Then, using age-appropriate language for your child, you can say:

•  “Some things are hard right now.”
• “You might notice big feelings, and that’s understandable.”
•  “I’m here with you.”
•  “I will always do everything I can to protect you.”
•  “You are safe with me.”
• “You can ask me any questions.”
•  “You don’t have to handle this alone. I’m right here.”
• “Do you need me to listen, a hug, or something else?”

Children start to feel safe when they’ve had time to be heard, understood, and supported in their feelings and uncertainty. Not when everything is perfectly explained or when we pretend all is well.

5. This Is Not About Perfect Parenting

You will not get this right all the time. None of us do.

There will be moments when you’re tired, frustrated, or react quickly, and sometimes your child might feel more upset or withdrawn because of your reaction. This is when repairing these moments matters more than striving for perfection.

When there’s a rupture, each time you come back and reconnect with your child, maybe by saying, “Hey, let’s talk about what happened this morning,” “I was really overwhelmed and yelled at you. I’m really sorry.” It helps. Just apologize for your part, then move forward together by snuggling, doing something fun, or simply being together.

If there is a problem that still needs to be addressed, it can be resolved after the reconnection is complete.

By doing this, you show them that even when things go wrong at home, love remains, and they can always find their way back to safety. This inner sense of safety is what helps children grow, learn, trust, and feel secure, even when the world feels uncertain.

An Important Reminder

You’re not failing if this feels hard. Parenting is tough, and parenting during a crisis asks even more of us—sometimes more than seems possible.

The fact that you’re thinking about safety, connection, and care already shows you’re showing up for your child.

And that matters. More than you know.

If you want more support navigating big emotions and creating more safety at home, book a complimentary call with me today using the Work With Me link at the top of the page.

You’ve got this, Mama!

xx
Claire

Claire Cetti is a PCI Certified® Parent Coach and Positive Parenting Educator who has helped hundreds of parents who are struggling with frustration, anger, and yelling become calmer, more confident, and more connected with their kids for almost 10 years. She is also a stepmom and the mom of four young adult children, and she lives in Santa Barbara with her husband and fur baby, Bella.​