How to Respond When Your Child Is Upset (Without Jumping to Fix It)

Before You Fix It, Try This Instead

Your child comes to you upset about something that, if you’re honest, doesn’t seem like a big deal.

A friend looked at her funny
Someone made a comment.

She didn’t get the pencil she wanted.

And she feels sad

You’ve noticed this isn’t the first time. She seems overly sensitive, often. And you’re starting to feel frustrated.

First off. This is normal. You are not a bad parent.

And perhaps inside you think:

This again? I don’t have time for this.

This is silly. Can we just move on?

So you say something like:

“I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way.”
“Maybe she was just curious.”
“It’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”

You’re trying to help. But what you’re actually doing is solving.

We move to solving because we are uncomfortable.

Most of us go straight to fixing for one of a few reasons:

• We don’t think it’s a big deal.

• We don’t have time.

• We feel responsible for their happiness.

• We have a hard time watching them struggle.

None of those makes you a bad parent.

They make you human.

But before you go fix it, here’s a script shift that can be helpful.

“Tell me more.”

There are some additional renditions of "tell me more" that can work well for different ages and personalities. You can pick the ones that best fit your child.

Any age: “I hear you. What happened?”

Any age: “I can see this matters to you. Do you want to tell me more?”

For a younger child: “That sounds tough. Do you want a hug or to talk about it?”

For a child who is more private: “I'm here when you want to talk, if you ever feel like it.”

For a child who is angry or upset: “It looks like you're having a big feeling. Want to draw or show me what happened, or do you need time?”

These give you options for different situations, and let your child know you are open, curious, and ready to listen.

That’s it.

Not explaining it away.
Not reassuring immediately.
Not correcting their interpretation.

Just curiosity, with interest.

If you’re still thinking, “But this situation? It really isn’t a big deal.”

Try this thought out:

It may not be a big deal to me.
Right now, it is a big deal to them.

Then: “Tell me more.”

If you truly don’t have time in the moment, because that does happen. You don’t have to stop everything in the moment to explore.

It’s okay to set a boundary and let your child know you care, even when you can’t pause right now. You can let them know you want to hear what happened and set up a time to revisit it. This shows your child that their feelings matter and also models healthy ways to manage time and boundaries.

Try this script:

“I really want to hear more about this. Can you tell me more after dinner?”

You’re not ignoring it.
You’re not trying to solve it.
You’re showing how to stay with it.

Curiosity first.
Empower with solutions second.

When we rush to fix, we unintentionally teach our kids:
Your feelings are unimportant, and we move past them quickly.

When we slow down long enough to get curious, we teach:
It’s ok to feel uncomfortable.
We can talk about it.
We’ll figure out what to do next.

And often? That’s all they need.

Not a solution.
Not a lecture.
Just a moment of being heard.

If you’re noticing that you feel responsible for your child’s emotions, that urgency to smooth it over and make it better fast, that’s one of the biggest hidden reasons parents end up yelling later.

If that strikes a chord, I walk through this in my free guide, “3 Reasons You’re Yelling (And What You Can Do Today to Stop).” 

Remember: before you fix it…try being curious.

“Tell me more.”

If you want more support navigating big emotions and creating more safety at home, book a complimentary call with me today using the Work With Me link at the top of the page.

You’ve got this, Mama!

xx
Claire

Claire Cetti is a PCI Certified® Parent Coach and Positive Parenting Educator who has helped hundreds of parents who are struggling with frustration, anger, and yelling become calmer, more confident, and more connected with their kids for almost 10 years. She is also a stepmom and the mom of four young adult children, and she lives in Santa Barbara with her husband and fur baby, Bella.​