You Can’t Discipline a Temper Tantrum. You Can Only Soothe It.

If you’ve ever searched things like:

“How do I stop tantrums?”
“Why won’t my child calm down?”
“What do I do when my kid melts down in public?”

You’re not alone.

Temper tantrums are hard. They can be long, loud, intense, and completely overwhelming. Especially when you’re already exhausted, overstimulated, or trying to hold it together in public. When a tantrum drags on, it’s natural to think: I just need this to stop.

But that mindset is often what keeps parents stuck in power struggles and frustration.

Why Discipline Doesn’t Work During a Tantrum

When a child is having a tantrum, they are in a stress response. What I refer to as the Red Zone. And nothing effective is happening in the Red Zone. Why? (Learn more about the red zone)

Their thinking brain is offline.
Their emotional, reactive brain is in charge.
They are not able to reason, process language, or learn at that moment.

This is what many parents don’t realize:

You cannot discipline a child whose brain is in survival mode. Talking, lecturing, reasoning, or correcting behavior during a tantrum often escalates the meltdown. It adds more noise to an already overwhelmed brain, which can actually increase the intensity and duration of the tantrum itself.

And yet, many parents feel pressure to act immediately because of a common fear: If I don’t handle this now, this behavior will never stop.

You Can’t Discipline a Stress Response. You Can Only Soothe It.

Let me say this clearly:

You cannot discipline a tantrum while it’s happening.
You cannot teach a lesson during a stress response.
You can only soothe the nervous system.
This must be done FIRST.

This does not mean permissive parenting.
It does not mean ignoring boundaries.
It does not mean your child “gets away with it.”

It means understanding timing.

(And yes, it’s important to note: safety always comes first. If there’s a risk to your child, yourself, or property, you intervene immediately. This guidance applies when safety is not at risk.)

So, what do you do?

Stop Asking “How Do I Make It Stop?”

A powerful shift happens when parents move from asking:

How do I get my child out of this tantrum?

to asking:

How do I help my child through this meltdown?

Helping a child through a tantrum looks like:

• staying as regulated as you can
• using fewer words, not more
• being physically and emotionally present
  waiting patiently
• offering calm, attuned connection. This can sound like: “I’m here. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

Even if your child can’t respond yet.

When Teaching Does Work: After the Tantrum Is Over

Once the tantrum begins to pass, you’ll notice signs your child’s brain is coming back online. The breathing slows. The body relaxes. Some eye contact returns. Words become more coherent.

This is when your child enters what many call the Green Zone, or when the thinking brain comes back online. This is the state where learning can actually happen.

In this state, your child doesn’t need to be happy.
They don’t need to be fully calm or cohesive.
They just need to be regulated enough to hear you.

This can be the moment for:

• talking about what just happened
• discussing, validating, or exploring feelings
• reviewing or setting boundaries
• problem-solving in the moment or for next time
• teaching skills or offering ideas that will actually stick

Soothe First. Teach Later. Always.

One of the biggest misconceptions about tantrums is the fear that soothing a child means approving the behavior. It doesn’t.

Offering and creating connections is not permission.
Presence is not giving in.

It’s creating the space that allows learning to happen, effectively.

Soothe first so the brain can settle. Teach later when learning is possible.

That’s how emotional regulation develops over time.

A Final Word for Parents Feeling Overwhelmed

If tantrums feel especially hard for you, that doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent. Often, it’s not a lack of tools, but a lack of capacity in the moment.

And you’re not alone in this.

If you want more support navigating temper tantrums and big emotions, book a complimentary call with me today using the Work With Me link at the top of the page.

You’ve got this, Mama!

xx
Claire

Claire Cetti is a PCI Certified® Parent Coach and Positive Parenting Educator who has helped hundreds of parents struggling with frustration, anger, and yelling become calmer, more confident, and more connected with their kids for almost ten years. She is also a stepmom and mom of four young adult children and lives in Santa Barbara with her husband and fur baby, Bella.